Rob-Land

Changing Addresses

2006-10-18T23:19:00.000-06:00

From the desk of Dr. Richard Face...

October 18, 2006

Greetings...

It's my duty to inform all of you that Rob-Land is moving. Yes, the Wide World of Rob is moving to a new location. You will now find us at the MySpace page. Apparently, your boy Rob doesn't see any reason for maintaining two separate homes on the web.

Therefore, let it be known across the land that any new thoughts, comments, rants, jokes, and life updates related to the Robfather will henceforth be located at www.myspace.com/robdaddy12.

Thank you...good day...and "peace in the Middle East"...

Dr. Richard Face

My Beautiful Home

2006-10-15T13:45:00.000-06:00

My beautiful Hawaii is being hit with earthquakes and rain today. The good news--and the only thing I really care about--is that my family and friends all seem to be okay.

Been A While, Huh?

2006-10-10T04:38:00.000-06:00

Greetings and salutations...

It sure has been a while, huh? The Robfather celebrated a birthday, and there have been a few other things (and people) that have occupied the majority of my time.

I will be back by the end of the week, though. We'll have updates, we'll make fun of things, and we'll be sarcastic. It will be great.

Faithfully Yours,
Mr. Richard Face

Mental Orgasm

2006-09-26T03:48:00.000-06:00

Wanna know what makes me giddy like a girl who just got her first Giggle Stick? I'll tell ya.

I love it when a pretentious, narcissistic asswipe like Sean Penn releases a "serious" movie like "All The King's Men", and it bombs at the box office (7th this past weekend, with a WHOPPING $3.8 million take)...

...and a movie like "Jackass 2" rakes in $27 million.

Absolutely freakin' hilarious. I love it, I love it, I love it.

Of course, some people would say that these figures further prove that Americans are brainless. Okay...you got me on that one. However, it also says that Americans go to the movies to be entertained, and not lectured to by pompous Hollywood actors.

Sean Penn, go away.

Oh, Go Away

2006-09-22T09:48:00.000-06:00

Look, I like "Grey's Anatomy" as much as the next person. It's not my favorite show, by any means, but it is entertaining. That being said...

I'm having a hard time bringing myself to watch the show anymore. Whenever I'm watching TV, there will inevitably be at least one commercial advertising this week's episode of "Grey's Anatomy". What is my problem? I'll tell you.

They keep featuring THIS:

and they keep trying to convince me that she is sexy. She is vomitous. Look at her chest...look at her neck...:she" looks like an ugly Korean man who should get "her" money back for the bad sex change.

Hideous. Revolting. Repugnant.

And I'm forced to see commercial after commercial showing "her" taking her scrubs off and then throwing "her" lingerie-clad body on top of a doctor.

Yuck. Absolutely sick.

And I am rapidly losing interest in this show.

Sorry...someone had to say it. I know that many of you HAD to have thought about this once in a while, and I also know that many of you wouldn't say anything about it. I will. "She" is gross.

I'd say that you could use "her" so-called "sexy" scenes (I'm gonna yack...) as a reason to head into the kitchen for a snack, but I can't see anyone wanting to eat after seeing this "sexy" siren of the airwaves. (Oh, God, it's coming...) Seriously, if I'm forced to watch this "thing" on a weekly basis, they need to cast "her" in a show that's set in Antarctica. Thay way, "she" would always be covered with thick layers of clothing, gortex, and everything else producers can find.

If I see "her" remove "her" clothing one more time, I'm going to throw up.

And don't you dare try to send me pictures of "her" dancing naked in that "Blue Iguana" movie. I might get picked up for pedophilia or gay porn crimes by the government if "her" pictures ever find their way into my hard drive.

Time to vomit. Enjoy the day, folks.

Rob's Hawaii

2006-09-13T05:22:00.000-06:00

Here's a shot from Hanalei Lookout, on the north side of Kauai...

Sweet, Sweet Love...

2006-09-13T05:15:00.000-06:00

Straight from the personal ads on Craigslist, I present to you my latest "favorite personal ad of all-time":

You Stole My Vibrator - 25

You descended upon my house in a whirlwind of Jim Beam and errant-socks-in-the-backyard, and before I knew it, you were gone. Weeks later, you snickered: "P.S., I have your Trance vibrator."

That was my prized possession, imported from Japan.

You made a fool of me and a mockery of our friendship. Now I know better. I've got my eye on you.

(ROB NOTE: If I told you that this was a man complaining about another man, and that they both lived in San Francisco, you'd probably accuse me of making an "easy" joke. Well, it WAS a man complaining about another man, and they DO live in San Fran. I can't make this stuff up, folks.)

Use Your Head!

2006-09-13T05:10:00.000-06:00

BRATISLAVA (Reuters) - A Slovak driver who crashed into a bus shocked rescuers who found him unconscious and half naked with a vacuum pump on his penis. Police said the 42-year-old man, driving an old Citroen in the Slovak town of Levice, had ignored a "give way" sign.

"It's very likely he had auto-sex while driving, it is a matter of investigation. After the accident he was found lying in the seat, his pants were off and it (the pump) was placed on his penis," police officer Peter Polak told Reuters.

"I've never seen anything like this, nor have my colleagues," he added.

(ROB NOTE: Here comes the "money shot", so to speak. I couldn't make this part of the story up...)

The man was taken to hospital with head injuries.

(Hi-Yoooo!!!!!! Good morning, folks...it's 5:10!)

Ka-Boom!!!

2006-09-13T05:07:00.000-06:00

That sound you heard wasn’t a sonic boom......it was Katie Couric’s ratings as they re-entered the atmosphere from her debut. According to Nielsen…

Katie Couric's CBS 'EVENING NEWS' premiered with a 9.1 household, metered market rating and fell continuously thereafter: 9.1--7.0--6.5--4.9. Friday's household rating earned Katie third place...

Now then...how disheartening must it be for CBS News and the guys who write the checks, to think that their $15 million show pony has sunk right back to where they were before, in just one week? And what will those same suits say when Katie starts falling behind the numbers that veteran backup QB Bob Schieffer pulled in a pinch for far, far, FAR less money?

Christmas in September???

2006-09-11T21:01:00.000-06:00

Friends and acquaintances of mine know that I would NOT have a problem with Christmas in September...or anytime, for that matter. I love Christmas...and not just for the self-serving reason of wanting gifts, either. I just love the whole season. I love the "feeling", I love the music (and I have a TON of it), I love everything about it. Can't get enough of it. And thanks to a radio station in Utah, I can have it 24/7.

I received an e-mail from a long-time friend today and, along with a lot of other things, he included a link to a radio station in Salt Lake City that is playing nothing but Christmas music. I love it. I'm sitting here at work, and I am blasting this music.

I'm feeling good. Real good.

Interested? Click here: Christmas

Mahalo nui loa to Roger for the link!!!

Never, Ever Forget...

2006-09-11T10:55:00.000-06:00

Let's all remember the innocent victims of the World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks. Five years ago, that carnage unified this country more than ever behind the principles of individual freedoms that this country was founded on.

God Bless us all.

Amazing Wildlife

2006-09-08T10:25:00.000-06:00

This is an incredible story about an elephant's memory.

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could, he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and, with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes, the man stood frozen--thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned around, and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, the man was walking through the zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did this several times, all while staring at the man.

The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while, it trumpeted loudly and continued to stare at him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder and amazement.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs, and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

There's Nothing More Beautiful...

2006-09-06T08:18:00.000-06:00

...than people who age gracefully.

Wouldn't you agree?

Celebrate This Day!!!

2006-09-06T08:13:00.000-06:00

There are "special days" out there like "Secretaries Day", "Caregivers Day", "Teachers Day", etc. However...I finally found a "day" that I care about. A "day" for the regular guy. A "day" worth celebrating.

Ladies and gentlemen, September 6th is......(no joke)......

Crikey!

2006-09-05T04:25:00.000-06:00

I'm thinking that Steve "The Crocodile Hunter" Irwin's death was not an accident. No, my friends...I cannot be convinced that this was an accident. Something much more underhanded was in the works. Yep...you guessed it: I'm thinking that this was a professional marine life "hit" perpetrated upon Mr. Irwin.

Most people (99.9%) would survive a stingray attack. This wasn't just any other "attack", though.

This piercing went right through the heart.

I don't know if Aquaman was involved. I don't know how long this was planned. I just feel like a group of undersea creatures got together and discussed all the things that Irwin did to them over the years. Sure...he was an environmentalist. I get that. Forget about the rescues, though. When you take those away and look at the rest of his TV work, you start to realize that he bothered the SHIT out of many wild animals.

For that reason, I believe this was an undersea mafia hit. The stingray was tasked with the job, and he delivered a bullseye shot to the heart.

Just one man's thought...

Helga...

2006-09-05T03:40:00.000-06:00

...is not a name that sounds sexy when exclaimed in the heat of passion.

Discuss...

Katrina Coverage

2006-09-01T08:54:00.000-06:00

(If this post doesn't blow your "sarcasm alarms" out of the water, I don't know what will.)

Well, the "anniversary" of Katrina has come and gone, and the reporting of this "event" was nothing short of absolutely freakin' predictable. But before we get to that:

You remember the "coverage" last year as this tragedy unfolded, don't you? Nothing short of complete hyperbolic reporting, spreading through the majority of the media like a wild strain of herpes. Normally, I don't spend a great deal of time bashing the media...not just because I have worked in various forms of it, but also because I think that it's generally too easy to blame the media. People assign blame, and then they never get to the root causes of a problem.

Now, to this year...the "anniversary"...a chance to finally be responsible, right?

Wrong. Look, I'm no conservative, and I'm not the biggest Bush fan (the President, I mean) in the world, but this "coverage" is puerile and imbecilic (and that's being kind). The Washington Post ran a headline front page article: "President and His Critics Mark Katrina Anniversary." Ah yes, never forget those critics. Lest anyone forget how much this was Bush's fault. We'll put it right there in the headline.

Fine...you want to put the blame on Bush and ignore reality, so be it. You want to pretty much ignore all logic and just say, "It's all President Bush's fault, because he's STUPID, and HATES black people"? Fine. If you're that deluded, let's just go ahead and give you the "Katrina Story" in the manner YOU prefer:

New Orleans was a very clean, politically honest, highly efficient city before Katrina.

The levee boards were NOT comprised of political grifters and scam artists.

Everybody wanted the levees to be built higher.

Nobody EVER thought a hurricane would EVER do this.

Tens of thousands of residents were NEVER told to leave the city, it all caught them by surprise.

The Superdome should have had temporary hot showers, a temporary kitchen, full-sized beds, wi-fi hotspots, video games, daycare, and senior activities set up in 4 days notice to accommodate a crowd of 40,000 plus refugees for a week.

The argument that "if Geraldo could get into New Orleans in a day, why couldn't the buses" is an excellent point. Because dropping Geraldo, his mustache wax, a camera man, and a producer into the city, is no different than getting 500-plus fully gassed up buses with certified drivers and a place to put those 20,000 homeless refugees.

Mayor Ray Nagin did not leave an entire fleet of school buses sitting in a flooded parking lot. That photo you saw? It was doctored, plain and simple.

Governor Kathleen Blanco was in complete command. She only cried to show how much she cared about the devastation. Once the cameras were off, she went right back to kicking ass and taking names.

The New Orleans Police Department really shined. It was perhaps their finest hour.

The media thoroughly vetted the accuracy of every one of their sensational stories they ran with, like the ones about families having to eat floating corpses, or serial gang-rapes in the back of the Convention Center.

The fact that the ENTIRE city hasn't been TOTALLY re-built after ONE FULL YEAR is an outrage, and a national disgrace. The tsunami victims had their straw huts back up and running in about 6 months.

Global warming will continue to produce more of these monster storms if we don't DO SOMETHING right away. After all, it's a proven fact that smokestacks cause hurricanes, right? Didn't you see the movie?

Come on, everybody! You know all this is true. And I know all this is true. Stop hiding behind your lame excuses! It's all Bush's fault...

...and oh by the way, he's stupid, and hates black people.

Happy now?

The Triplets

2006-09-01T08:51:00.000-06:00

The best college football trio ever:

Way To Go, Leinart!!!

2006-09-01T08:37:00.000-06:00

Here is the "lady" from the USC basketball team that Matt Leinart knocked up:

First, he goes back to school and passes up the chance to be the guaranteed first pick in the NFL Draft. He says he wants another title.....but, oops, Texas ruined that.

Then, he drops like a rock on draft day, ending up with the cheap-ass Cardinals. Then, he holds out longer than any other rookie, wanting more money.

And who said, "you can't go wrong by going back to school for another year"?

What will cost him more...dropping in the draft, or his sperm crossing the ovarian goal-line in Ms. Cameron's honey pot for the big-time score?

Leinart and Cameron dated while both were at USC but broke up last year, according to the Ventura County Star. Leinart graduated in December and lives in Los Angeles and Phoenix.

"It might not be the best timing in the world, but we are obviously very happy to have a new baby in the family," said Cameron's father, Stan. "Brynn just found out about a month ago and told the team on Monday."

Here's the BEST part...the part that makes me feel SO good about how the next generation has learned about responsibility: "Brynn does not want to get married," Stan Cameron added. "She wants to finish school and let Matt do his thing and then figure it out." Way to go!

I wonder if Paris Hilton is going to be jealous...

"Hit Me Up"

2006-09-01T08:28:00.000-06:00

I can't believe I actually said that. My only comfort is that I'm doing it in the process of making a point. What is the point? Here it is: If you ever use the phrase "hit me up"--whether it's in conversation, e-mails, text messages, whatever--please do the world a favor, and kill yourself.

Seriously. Do it. And do it soon. If your friends say it, take them with you. You should feel as stupid as Paris Hilton looking at a chart of the periodic elements.

People like you are a wart on the ass of life.

I'm not kidding. Go take a dirt nap.

USA Basketball

2006-09-01T08:21:00.000-06:00

So, the latest edition of the USA men's basketball team went out and laid another turd, losing to Greece. I give the Greek team credit, because they played a fantastic game. Maybe our collective arrogance will finally stop. Nah...it probably won't.

I have a message for the many of you who THINK you can play ball...for those of you who enjoy "street ball" (what a joke)...for those of you who think that you can play ball because you bought yourself some $150 shoes: LEARN HOW TO PLAY THE GODDAMN GAME! The reason the players of today can't hang internationally? Let's see...can't shoot, can't play team ball, can't play team defense, don't know what picks and screens are...the list goes on and on.

Yeah, but you just go ahead and keep thinking that scoring 30 points (while only making 20% of your shots) makes you a bad-ass. You're a joke. USA basketball is a joke.

Thanks for embarrassing us, and thanks for letting the rest of the world lap us. Your individuality makes you a shitty basketball player.

(and, please, don't ever refer to any incarnation of USA basketball as the "Dream Team", as there was only ONE. It had Magic, Michael, Bird, Barkley, etc. That is the one TRUE Dream Team, and always will be.)

Kyra Phillips, Part 2

2006-08-31T04:17:00.000-06:00

Poor, sweet MILF...come to Rob...I'll comfort you.

Oh, wait...where was I?

Upon more careful analysis of the tape, I noticed that there is both good AND bad for Kyra in this whole situation. First of all, she managed to possibly strengthen her marriage. At 12:49pm EDT, those listening carefully could hear Phillips praise her husband:

Phillips: "Yeah, I'm very lucky in that regard with my husband. My husband is handsome and he is genuinely a loving, you know, no ego--you know what I'm saying. Just a really passionate, compassionate great, great human being. And they exist. They do exist. They're hard to find. Yup. But they are out there."

However, Phillips set herself up for YEARS worth of problems when she revealed how she feels about her sister-in-law:

Phillips: "Brothers have to be, you know, protective. Except for mine. I've got to be protective of him...Yeah. He's married, three kids, but his wife is just a control freak." And while that falls somewhat short of “fucking bitch who ruined my brother’s life” – for a woman, well there’s not too much difference.

I can just see how frosty Thanksgiving dinner just got for the Phillips family. And that poor pussy-whipped brother of hers is going to get the passive-aggressive beating of his life for – oh, the next 30 years – by his wife.

“Oh, sorry honey. I guess I’m just a ‘control freak.’ Maybe you should call your sister and tell her...”

I want a ring-side seat for that one! Someone pass the stuffing and the figgy pudding...

Brilliant Feculence

2006-08-31T04:03:00.000-06:00

Contrary to the information espoused by a popular cliche, you apparently CAN polish a turd.

When the following bit of information was first passed along to me, I didn't quite know how to react. I was shocked...disgusted...amazed... and strangely fascinated. The more I think about it, the more brilliant I find this idea. What could possibly hold such a strong grip on my attention?

Suri Cruise's poop.

(and, no...I will NOT call her "TomKitten")

The sculptor behind Britney Spears' controversial pregnancy statue is set to shock the world again with his own take on the first stool squeezed out by Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' reclusive daughter Suri. Daniel Edwards' bronze sculpture, entitled SURI'S BRONZED BABY POOP, went on display at the Capla Kesting Fine Art gallery in New York yesterday (August 30th). The piece is inspired by baby Suri's first bowel movement and will be sold to the highest bidder at an eBay internet auction when the exhibition ends in late September.

Edwards stunned the art world earlier this year with his homage to Spears' labor, MONUMENT TO PRO-LIFE: THE BIRTH OF SEAN PRESTON. That piece featured a stone Spears on all fours on a bear skin rug, ready to give birth to her first son.

The Suri stool isn't for real but gallery officials insist Edwards' latest creation is more than a publicity stunt. In a statement, they write: "It's partially a statement on modern media that celebrity poop has more entertainment value than health, famine or other critical issues facing society and governments today."

Brilliant!

Discuss...

Naked Gun or CNN???

2006-08-30T05:02:00.000-06:00

Poor Kyra Phillips. Such a wonderful broadcaster, possessing many MILF-like qualities (even if she isn't a "classic beauty"), and having a long career ahead of her. (Sigh...)

Well, yesterday she got caught with her skirt down, basically. Calm down...it's nowhere near as sexy as it sounds. The control room at CNN left her mic open and on the air as she WENT TO THE BATHROOM in the middle of President Bush's speech commemorating the Hurricane Katrina anniversary. (You'd think someone in the control room would have been frantically yelling, "cut her mic! Cut her mic!" But, it didn't happen.) So, instead of getting the President's remarks, CNN's audience got that AND Kyra Phillips in the middle of some "girl-chat" on the can.

If you listen closely, you can hear her talk about her sister-in-law ("she's a control freak"), and you can even hear her zipper going up when she finished her business.

I guess it's a good thing for CNN that she didn't go off on an anti-Bush tirade.

Actually, I think it's even better for CNN that she didn't go off on an "anti-lunch tirade", if you know what I mean! ("Battle-shits", anyone???)

Perky Couric???

2006-08-30T04:47:00.000-06:00

Shame, shame, SHAME on CBS. I'm guessing that sweet, perky Katie Couric isn't quite so "perky" anymore. Why would I say that? Well, you be the judge:

The photo on the left is the official first-pic-of-Katie released by CBS back in May. The photo on the right is the EDITED (gee, really?) version of the exact same photo, taken from the September issue of Watch magazine (which is owned by..........you got it......CBS).

They've invested a lot of money in this mule and, dammit, they're gonna make sure they find every way possible to ride it to possible news ratings domination. This is irresponsible on every single level, and the folks at CBS really should think about a little something called ethics.

So what if she's getting a little dumpy...people are supposed to watch her deliver the news because of her CREDIBILITY. (Anyone at CBS remember what that means?) This isn't the Today Show anymore, and trying to present the "perky" Katie from the early-to-mid 1990's isn't going to win anybody over.

Besides, when they get that first close-up of Katie's face, you'll see more crow's feet than you ever thought you would. CBS will have to break out the filter that ABC used years ago for Cybill Shepherd in Moonlighting just to cover up all of those wrinkles. My God...

Big Birthday Today!

2006-08-29T06:43:00.000-06:00

Happy 48th birthday to Michael Jackson...

If you'd like to personally give him birthday wishes, I hear that he has invited John Karr to celebrate with him at Chuck E. Cheese.

If you shake hands with anyone there, please remember to wash them afterwards. Thank you.

Emmy Redux

2006-08-29T06:42:00.000-06:00

I don't want to say that Farrah Fawcett looked bad at the Emmy Awards, but the buzz is that Bono wants to do a charity concert for her. Yikes.

Jaclyn Smith, though...now she still looks good. She has a natural, timeless beauty.

T.S. Ernesto

2006-08-28T20:28:00.000-06:00

As of 8pm on 8/28/06, here is the "track map" for Tropical Storm Ernesto:

Before this thing was ever a hurricane...before it ever even had a chance to enter the Gulf of Mexico..."speculation" caused the price of oil to shoot up. They were determining the effect this would have on the refineries (they said), which are still recovering from Katrina. They also said that this storm would close some refineries or cause dramatic reductions in output.

The price continued to rise. This rise in oil prices was sure to be reflected quickly in our gas prices.

There's no hurricane, there's no effect to the precious refineries in the Gulf, so BRING DOWN THE GODDAMN PRICES.

I'm sick of this "speculation" that causes all of our prices to go up. Shit...some leader in Venezuela or Africa has a bad fart day, and "speculation" drives prices up, as we believe that the leader will limit oil exports, etc. Blah blah friggin' blah...I'm sick of it.

BRING THE GODDAMN PRICES DOWN. This is baseless, ridiculous, and asinine on SO many levels.

Sorry, had to rant. This whole thing reeks of bullshit.

An Introduction...

2006-08-28T05:58:00.000-06:00

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Song Wang...

He was voted "King of the Kitchen" and he works at the beautiful Seven Star China Bistro here in Lakewood, Colorado. With 30 years of experience, I'm sure that the picture he placed in his ad is probably a BIT outdated. But, I digress...

Many of the smaller restaurants in my neighborhood place flyers/menus on your front door. A flyer for the Seven Star China Bistro wanted to introduce everybody to Mr. Wang (I like saying that....it makes me giggle). You never get a second chance to make a good first impression, right? Let's see exactly what they put on the back of the menu:

"King of the Kitchen, Song Wang, was named in 1992 on California' newspaper. With his 30 years experiences working in restaurant and opening 3 major restaurants, he is ready to service his neighbors."

I will not apologize for finding this to be amazingly funny. It cracks me up every single time I see it. In fact, I'm going to sit back and laugh for a bit right now. Have a good day!

The Emmys

2006-08-27T21:20:00.000-06:00

The Emmys took place this evening. Many of you know that I detest award shows. The only reason I've ever paid attention to them is because of my radio work. Gotta talk about this crap the next day, right? All the winners, all those "funny" taped comedy bits, etc.

Anyway... As many of you know, there was a plane crash in Kentucky today. It was a tragedy that killed 49 people. Funny how the producers of the Emmys didn't think of this when they went ahead and aired a plane crash satire tonight. Yeah, yeah...I know..."you have heard of the show Lost, haven't you, Rob???" Go screw yourself.

I don't care what the intention was, I don't care how long this has been planned for, etc. When a tragedy happens, there is NO excuse for running something like this...especially on the same goddamn day. It doesn't matter if 10 people died or 3000...somehow, good taste should have prevailed.

Maybe Conan O'Brien (ugh) isn't clever enough to fill the time that would have been free had the taped skit not aired. Maybe he (just like Leno) couldn't get his 500 writers together quick enough to give him fresh material to cover for this, and make him look sharp. It doesn't matter. The taped bit should NOT have aired tonight, and it is utterly inexcusable. Someone should have used their freakin' brain here, and pulled the bit.

Way to go, guys. Way to go.

Spread The Cheese

2006-08-24T05:47:00.000-06:00

The new CD from Richard Cheese & Lounge Against The Machine comes out on September 26th. Spread the Cheese, folks...spread the Cheese!

For those who haven't experienced the Cheese, here's a sample...

Good Ol' Pink Taco

2006-08-24T05:31:00.000-06:00

PHOENIX -- First, they shook up the Scottsdale establishment. Now the family behind the Pink Taco restaurant chain is rattling the Arizona Cardinals' cage. Would you believe Pink Taco Stadium? That's what the Morton family, famous for creating the Hard Rock Café and Morton's Steakhouse, is saying they want to name Cardinals Stadium.

They are offering $30 million for 10 years as evidence of their commitment and are promising to pursue an agreement with the Arizona Cardinals.

One problem: the Cardinals, who control the stadium's naming rights, said they want no part of that name.

Harry Morton, president and CEO of Pink Taco, said his group is prepared to use the $30 million as a starting point. He held a press conference Monday to announce the stadium proposal. The family said it offered the Cardinals a $5 million good faith check during a meeting last week to show that they are serious about the proposal. The Cardinals took the presentation as a joke and dismissed the Monday press conference by the family as a publicity stunt.

"There is zero chance of this happening," said Mark Dalton, director of media relations for the Cardinals. "We are in serious and legitimate naming rights discussion with several companies, this is not one of them."

Locally, the restaurant, named after a slang term for the vulva, caused a stir in Scottsdale when Mayor Mary Manross objected to the restaurant's opening in Scottsdale's Waterfront project. Dalton said the team doesn't wanted to be associated with the Pink Taco brand, but wouldn't say exactly why. (hahahaha)

Morton said on Monday that his family is very serious about the naming deal. He plans to meet with the Arizona Cardinals in the coming days. The Cardinals said there is no scheduled meeting. The family dismissed the team's reaction as a "knee jerk" one and stated the proposal was not an attempt to get more publicity for the restaurant. "We're talking about $30 million," he said. "That's an expensive publicity stunt."
--------------------------------

You know......I'm thinking that the Cardinals should reconsider here. Maybe they've never dined at a Pink Taco, I don't know. Maybe they have, but just picked the wrong location. I mean, there are times where the quality of the Pink Taco depends on it's locale. I can see the headlines now:

"Balls Were Flying At The Pink Taco Last Night"
"Cardinals Make A Big Stink At The Pink"
"Cardinals Snatch Victory In The Pink"

Discuss...

More Rob's Hawaii

2006-08-24T05:05:00.000-06:00

Since it's early in the morning, I'll offer you a sunrise. This is the start of a new day at Kalaeloa Beach.

Craigslist Rules

2006-08-24T04:37:00.000-06:00

Now THIS is what I'm talking about! Oh, hell yeah!!!!!! Dateline...Denver, Colorado...

"DO YOU RECOGNIZE THIS TATTOO?"

"We met in Dallas once and in Vegas too, you said you lived in Boulder. You are about 6'6", brown hair, tan skin, maybe late 30's, said your nickname is Pepper. If you recognize this tattoo that belongs to a woman 5'7", black hair, olive skin, please email me it is important."

Oh my God, where do I start with this one?

--I'm thinking MANY people recognize her "tramp stamp" easily.
--Could anything GOOD be "important" here? Nope.
--I guess not everything stays in Vegas. Sometimes it builds a home on your crotch.

Snakes On A Plane...AND In Theater

2006-08-24T03:59:00.000-06:00

Let's forget for a moment that this happens to be one of the most ridiculous premises ever for a major motion picture. Let's even forget for a moment that internet bloggers are patting themselves on the back for creating more buzz about this movie than it's worth. Has there ever been a movie with a FOUR WORD title that encompasses almost 95% of the PLOT?? Ever??

I also read where the favorite line by Sam Jackson in this "movie by bloggers" is when he says: “I’ve had it with the motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!”

Perfect.

Perfectly absurd movie line. Perfectly Samuel L. Jackson.

Originally, I told myself (as if anyone has to TELL themselves this...) that I would never part with my money to watch this friggin' joke. After much contemplation, though, I just might have to go see this one. It has to be the bookend companion to “Showgirls” as the most ridiculous movies in Hollywood history.

Wanna hear something even more asinine than the "plot" of the movie? Straight from the headlines, folks:

PHOENIX (Reuters) - Life imitating art is all very well. Unless, that is, it's a movie about deadly snakes on the rampage.

Movie chain AMC Entertainment Inc. said pranksters at one of its Phoenix theaters released two live diamondback rattlesnakes during a showing of the film "Snakes on a Plane" last Friday. No one was injured. (Rob Note : You've gotta be freakin' kidding me. This can't be true, can it? THIS is what's called a "prank" now? Holy shit...)

AMC spokeswoman Melanie Bell said, "One was found in the parking lot during the show, and the other in the movie theater. They were both removed, and no one was harmed."

The snakes were later released in the desert.

Bell had no further details.

The movie stars Samuel L. Jackson, and spins a yarn about a crate-load of escaped snakes that run amok on an airline flight, attacking passengers and crew.

"There were kids at the show, and it was actually very reckless," Russ Johnson, the president of the Phoenix Herpetological Society told Reuters. (ROB NOTE 2: Sounds like he's the president of an STD clinic to me.)

"The snake's bite carries a powerful venom that could have seriously injured someone," he added. (ROB NOTE 3: You can read all about this medical discovery in next month's issue of DUH magazine!)

Good fun...good clean fun, I suppose.

The Gumbel Drive-By

2006-08-24T03:50:00.000-06:00

For those of you who haven't been paying attention, Bryant "I've Got To Make A Name For Myself Again" Gumbel really went over the line recently. He had a commentary recently where he attacked the head of the NFL Players Association (Gene Upshaw), and it really was a cheap shot. Gumbel talked about him as if he were a dog--literally--by suggesting that Upshaw was the "personal pet" of outgoing NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue and that Tagliabue's successor, Roger Goodell, should make sure that Tags tells him "where he keeps Gene Upshaw's leash."

There's more, but let's stop right here for a moment. This is a case of a high-profile African-American man referring to another one in terms that aren't only derogatory but also loaded with deeper significance. When Gumbel suggests that Upshaw has allowed himself to be kept on a white man's leash, he's heading into a highly sensitive area. It's a short leap from there to "Uncle Tom" territory, an insult that has been hurled at Gumbel often enough that he ought to realize how much it hurts.

In a day and age when there is a huge push for minorities to gain access to management, coaching, and ownership positions in sports, how outrageous is it for a black man to rip another black man who has earned such a respected position? Compared to what Rush Limbaugh said, how is it that Gumbel has not been fired ALREADY from his gig of calling games on the NFL network? If Gumbel stays, then it has to be one of the all-time most incredible double-standards in modern political correctness history.

And somehow, people seem to be backing Gumbel in this mess. It was all just very fascinating. Sort of sad, though, that a good man, who has done a good job, and is black, gets very little support when thereÂs a drive-by black-on-black shooting in the media like this.

Gumbel should be fired. Period. If you can't handle that, fine. Gumbel can "just" be suspended, but only after he delivers a 2-5 minute apology to Mr. Upshaw...ON-AIR, face-to-face...for being an irresponsible jackass. Take your pick.

Music at Work

2006-08-24T03:43:00.000-06:00

I'm in a late 80's/early 90's mood right now. I've been switching back and forth between my XM radio and Rhapsody and, no matter what, this seems to be the time period my interests are focusing on. Right now, there's some Keith Sweat playing. "I'll Give All My Love To You", to be more specific. This song should be classified as it's own date rape drug, because...well, let's face it folks...panties just seem to come right off when songs like this are played.

It's fascinating, actually.

Long Live The King

2006-08-16T04:45:00.000-06:00

Today marks the 29th "anniversary" of the death of Elvis Presley. Sure, there have been many people (myself included) that have mocked the "later versions" of Elvis, but the fact remains: Elvis was a badass.

After I get done at the gym today, I may just have a "peanut butter and nanner" sandwich in his honor.

And, of course, I'll be listening to some "Burning Love" while doing so. =)

Rob's Hawaii

2006-08-16T04:39:00.000-06:00

The cliffs at Makapu'u Beach Park...

Manilow

2006-08-16T04:35:00.000-06:00

Singer-songwriter Barry Manilow, currently in the midst of a four year concert contract at the Las Vegas Hilton, is scheduled to undergo outpatient arthroscopic surgery on both hips at a Southern California Hospital. Manilow recently tore the labrum (cartilage) in both hips.

For the life of me, I can't think of anything that Barry Manilow would be doing in his free time that would cause him to tear cartilage in both of his hips.

Hmmmm...

Can anybody help me with this one?

Chappelle's Pixie

2006-08-16T04:13:00.000-06:00

Right about now, I feel the need for some Dave Chappelle. This is the infamous "pixie" sketch that really caused Dave to re-think where his show was headed. Personally, I think this was just as good as anything else he did previously. I also think he overreacted. But enough of that...enjoy the "pixie" sketch.

(Turn the volume down if you're at work. This is uncensored, straight off the DVD.)

Kim Kim

2006-08-16T03:48:00.000-06:00

Hey, everybody...how about that Kim Kim? You know...Kimberly Kim, the 14-year-old girl from Hawaii that won the U.S. Women’s Amateur tournament last weekend?

Oh, wait...I'm sorry. You probably didn't hear very much about her. I wonder why? I mean, she's ONLY FOURTEEN YEARS OLD!!!

Isn't it funny how the YOUNGEST EVER winner of the Women’s U.S. Amateur gets virtually NO media bump, even though that media whore (precious Miss Rolex, Michelle Wie) never won that event herself. Not at 14, not at 15, not at 16.

The media hype machine has spoken loud and clear. Apparently, we only have space on the “shelf” for ONE teenage golfing phenom. And her name is Michelle, dammit. And that’s all we are selling. Now everybody else, please go away.

Sickening.

By the way, someone please tell Miss Wieeeeeeeeee that she should win a friggin' women's tournament before continuing this bizarre quest to compete in men's tournaments. Good Lord. It's not like she's playing linebacker for the Steelers or anything. It's GOLF. What point does Wieeeeeeeeee think she is making, especially when she can never win anything? She's setting women back by YEARS, in my eyes. Screw her. This was already more press than she ever deserves to get.

Congrats to Kimberly Kim. Unlike SOME people, she deserves praise.

Dildo

2006-08-16T03:40:00.000-06:00

Yes, I said it. Dildo.

Apparently, that term cannot be used anymore. There has been a complete switch, and the term "marital aid" has become the norm. How the hell did this happen? Are we THAT paranoid as a culture? Are we THAT terrified of a simple WORD?

Besides...how clinical can you get? "Ooh, my sweet, precious flower...would you like me to break out the marital aid and begin to pleasure you in whichever manner you desire?"

Sorry, but it is a DILDO. I will even accept "giggle stick", if you prefer. But never, EVER will I accept "marital aid" as the terminology of choice.

Give me dildo, or give me death. (How patriotic of me, huh?)

Rob's Hawaii...

2006-08-14T03:11:00.000-06:00

I remember that I promised to take you on a tour of Rob's Hawaii. Well, I didn't forget...and here's the next pic in the series for ya: taken from the Hale Koa hotel in Waikiki, enjoy the sunset, everyone!

For Sale...

2006-08-14T03:00:00.000-06:00

For those of you that have turned their home into a "pummel pad"...For those of you who live a Paris Hilton-type lifestyle...For those of you who want to add a real sleaze factor to your love life...

May I present to you a lovely item I found for sale on Craigslist:

Yep...a working condom dispenser. For extra reality, why not set it up on the wall of your bathroom?

Amen, Amen, Amen...

2006-08-14T02:59:00.000-06:00

You Go, Girl

2006-08-14T02:43:00.000-06:00

"I turned around, here she came, stride for stride...funky fat like that, bout two thirty-five." --Eazy E

On a serious note...I realize that we shouldn't have a culture full of stick figures. I realize that we should promote more healthy (and realistic) body images, especially to the teens. That being said...when that no talent hosebag Mo'Nique (ugh...I refuse to call her a comedian) isn't making bogus racism claims on airplanes, she is busy promoting her "fat is beautiful" campaign.

And that, my friends, is just wrong. Those of you who know me are fully aware that I always support personal pride. People often have a negative self-image, and that's horrible. But we need to draw a line between what is beautiful and what is just downright unhealthy.

Blueberry muffin, aisle 1...

Today's Sponsor

2006-08-14T02:36:00.000-06:00

Today's blog entires are brought to you by Red Balls:

"Now cocaine comes in a delicious new shake." --Tyrone Biggums

"Dumb" Has A New Meaning...

2006-08-14T02:13:00.000-06:00

MADRID - Spanish police have arrested four Frenchmen for jumping in front of cars on a busy road so that they could film them and post the footage on the Internet, the newspaper El Pais said.

The four jokers took turns to leap in front of cars, forcing the drivers to swerve or brake sharply and putting themselves and other vehicles in danger, town hall officials in Alicante were quoted as saying on the El Pais Web site. Their intention was to film the reaction of drivers on the road between Benidorm to La Nucia, and post them on the Web, the officials said

Relatively rare in Spain, a youth craze known as "happy slapping" took off in Britain last year, in which groups of teenagers slapped or mugged strangers while filming the victims' reaction on camera phones. The images were then sent to friends or posted on Web sites.

Spanish police and local government officials were unavailable for comment.

(Rob note: When I was a kid, we also had a craze known as "happy slapping", which involved......oh nevermind. I just don't have the energy to make the joke! hahahahaha)

Penetrating The Market...

2006-08-14T02:04:00.000-06:00

BANGKOK - Thai cultural watchdogs have banned a line of condoms whose name translates as "Good Penetration," saying the suggestive label could draw youngsters into having sex earlier, newspapers reported.

The condoms are actually named "Tom Dundee" after the stage name of a popular country singer, but Culture Ministry officials said this was inappropriate and offended good norms and culture, the Thai Rath tabloid said

"Dundee" in Thai means "Good Penetration."

"Although the name is not vulgar or rude, it is ambiguous, boastful and provocative," said Ladda Tangsupachai of the Cultural Watch Center. (Rob note: boastful. hahahahahahahaha) "It could entice excessive consumption and lure children and youths with little maturity to start having sexual activities before their appropriate age," she added. (Rob note 2: Don't let that quote fool you...we actually ARE in the 21st century. Some people just need to catch up with the rest of us.)

Dundee, whose real name is Puntiva Poomiprates, defended lending his stage name to the condom brand. (Rob note 3: that guy's name sounds indecent all by itself, for God's sake.) "You can't stop human desire, no matter how old they are, so it is better to protect them," Puntiva told Reuters, adding that he had been telling his audiences about the risks of AIDS and unwanted pregnancy for years.

(Rob note 4: Seriously, there are so many funny things in this story. First of all, the town in question is called Bangkok, and that will always make me laugh. Second, do any of you know what goes on in Thailand? Jesus H. Christ...from the child prostitution to the rampant adult prostitution to the ever-growing AIDS epidemic...and these people are worried about the name of a goddamned jimmy hat? Absolutely unbelievable.)

Browsing Personals Again...

2006-08-14T01:51:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I looked through the personals on Craigslist. (For the new readers: it's all for fun. I am not actually browsing online for tail.) Here's a good one, from a 21-year-old who lives right here in the beautiful metropolis known as Denver:

AMAZING KISSERS ONLY!!!

Hey guys! I am looking for a really cool, fun, spontaneous, smart, sexy, laid back man to hang out with and see where things go. Looking to meet this weekend! Looking for potential... something real!!

Alright...even though there's a growing sense of impatience in that posting, there's nothing terribly unusual about it. I admit that. Let's check the picture:

Yikes. I've got visions of the Cowardly Lion in my head. I feel like I am getting growled at. Instead of a "come hither" look in the bedroom, it's more of a "I'll tear you apart" kinda look, in an animalistic sort of way. Okay, maybe I'm being unfair. Maybe I've got it all wrong. Let's take another look:

Nope. I wasn't wrong. I'm sure she's a nice girl, but she needs to learn how to smile. The second pic actually has that "forced" smile you normally save for when family members want to take one too many pictures.

Or, she could have gas. I don't know.

Daily Thought #2

2006-08-14T01:49:00.000-06:00

It's never too late to be what you might have been.

Ho-han

2006-08-14T01:37:00.000-06:00

So, Lindsay Lohan has decided that she wants to go over to Iraq and entertain the troops. In the September issue of Elle magazine, she says she wants to emulate Marilyn Monroe. (Rob note: Bloated, screwed, used, and dead?) Lohan said, "It's so amazing seeing that one woman just going somewhere, this beautiful sex kitten, who's basically a pinup, which is what I've always aspired to be." (Rob note 2: Way to set your goals high, you pin cushion.)

The best part of the article, though, has to be this: she she would prepare for her trip to Iraq by taking shooting lessons with her security guard.

When I was in the military, I qualified as an expert marksman on both the M-16 and the 9mm pistol. I also trained for chemical warfare. Even with that type of background, I always had a slight worry for my safety. Not that I should expect anything better, but this no-talent piece of garbage...this friggin' air thief...this wanna-be trollop...thinks that a few shooting lessons with her bodyguard will prepare her for an Iraq trip??? You've gotta be kidding me.

Is it wrong to actually wish for a capture and killing? (Oh, shut up!)

Besides, for as fake as Marilyn Monroe was, she was still capable of looking sexy. Look at this recent pic of Ho-han:

Revolting. Sorry, but she is.

Today's Thought

2006-08-14T01:35:00.000-06:00

I generally don't like the idea of throwin’ a deuce into an airport stall, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. One problem, though, is that "electronic eye" that tells the toilet when to flush. They desperately need to include some kind of “courtesy flush” software in that electric eye, because havin’ your stuff hang around for the length of your stay ain’t that cool for air quality in there.

Have a nice day.

Clarett, Briefly...

2006-08-14T01:21:00.000-06:00

If you haven't heard the story of Maurice Clarett by now, you've obviously been under a rock somewhere. I'm not going to recap the whole sordid story, because this isn't the place for that kind of thing. Here's a nice pic for you, though, that gives you a "Cliff's Notes" idea...

Probably not too good to be found cruising--loaded for bear--in the same neighborhood where a witness against you in an upcoming trial lives. Just when you thought there weren't enough funny coincidences in this case, though, how about the team he was playing for in the low-level, quasi-Arena league in Ohio?

The Mahoning Valley "Hitmen". You can't make that stuff up, folks.

I love the bottle of Grey Goose vodka on the seat. True story: when the Denver Broncos decided to give Clarett a chance to reclaim his life, Bronco players were amazed at how Clarett decided to "take advantage" of this last chance. Some players would work their ass off, you know? Wanna know what the best "Clarett as a Bronco" story is? Ready?

He kept a bottle of Grey Goose in HIS FREAKIN' LOCKER!!! Immediately after one of his first morning practices with the team, instead of working out with his new teammates or studying the playbook, he said, "I gotta get my Goose on." Again, you can't make this stuff up, folks.

Side note: Of all the future jock arrests that will certainly happen in the days, months, and years to come, I sincerely doubt that any of them will have a combo like Maurice put together. Just for a moment, I want you to consider all the “keywords” that appeared in his arrest...

3 loaded handguns.
1 Assault rifle.
Bulletproof vest.
Hatchet.
Tazers.
Pepper spray.
Spike strips.
Half empty bottle of vodka.

And, to top it all off...a lint roller.

No athlete will top that. Ever. The trophy is retired, folks.

Sick? Indeed.

2006-08-14T01:15:00.000-06:00

I don't know why I find these types of stories fascinating but, for some reason, I cannot escape their grasp on my sick, morbid imagination:

DEATH BY WINDOW PANE

TOWN OF MERRIMAC, Wis. -- A Pleasant Prairie man died this weekend in an accident at a family reunion at Devil's Head Resort in Sauk County.

Relatives said that Jerry Baruffi, 32, was pounding on a window next to the pool, apparently to get others to join him in the water.

Witness Jim Schmidt said that the window broke and the glass came down in large panes, cutting an artery in Baruffi's arm. He was left bleeding badly from the wound, WISC-TV reported.

Paramedics were called and a nurse on site administered first aid before Baruffi was taken to St. Clare Hospital. Relatives said that he died on the way to the hospital.

Sauk County sheriff's officials said that the man died from blood loss.

Groaner Joke For Today

2006-08-01T05:17:00.000-06:00

(If you're not worried about being labeled "Mel Gibson", feel free to use this "groaner" joke amongst your friends)

The government of China announced today that it was giving the United States 50,000,000 doses of Viagra...because they heard we were not able to have a successful election.

(You're welcome!)

Yumm-O

2006-08-01T05:09:00.000-06:00

(apologies to Rachael Ray, as I don't think she'd use her trademark phrase to describe the following product!)

From Poland, I bring to you probably the single most disgusting beverage EVER:

No, your eyes are NOT deceiving you. You read the label correctly. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you.......Fart Drink.

I went 34 years on this planet without ever "getting wind" of this product. Even though people in Poland would tell me that the taste of this drink will "blow me away", I think I'll just "pass" on this.

I wasn't even going to share this product with you, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to "squeeze one out" here in the name of juvenile comedy. Thank you.

It's Hot, Dammit...

2006-08-01T05:02:00.000-06:00

How best to sum up the heatwave that has been gripping the western and midwestern United States lately? Like this:

There is good news, though. The weather forecasts for this week say that lower temperatures are on the way. In the meantime, why not sit back and enjoy a nice, refreshing vergina?

No, that wasn't a dirty joke...I meant it. Enjoy yourself a nice...tasty...wet...vergina:

Catching Up, Part 2

2006-08-01T04:51:00.000-06:00

So..........what else has happened recently?

I guess he really did want it THAT way. (No, YOU shut up!!!)

Gay? GAY? Really now...how could ANYONE say they saw that announcement coming? I tell ya, I just don't know what (or who) to believe in anymore. Every time I think I have everything figured out, some piece of news comes along that just shocks me back into reality. (Sigh.......) I don't have a problem with anyone being gay, nor do I have a problem with people "coming out of the closet". That being said...when you come out of the closet, please leave the ugly-ass shirt IN the closet. Thank you.

(Get ready...........low-class joke coming.....I warned you........)

I remember how disappointed Lance was when he found out he wasn't going to be a part of any mission to the moon. Personally, I think young Mr. Bass is better suited for a mission to Uranus.

(Seriously...YOU shut up!!!)

Catching Up...

2006-08-01T04:28:00.000-06:00

So, what happened while I was gone?

It's been a long, LONG time since the raging success that was "Lethal Weapon 2", huh? Mel Gibson decided to start his campaign to lead the new and improved Third Reich. The detailed police report can be found in several places online, but let me save you some time by giving you the best parts. Here we go:

L.A. County Sheriff's Deputy James Mee. According to the report, Gibson became agitated after he was stopped on Pacific Coast Highway and told he was to be detained for drunk driving Friday morning in Malibu. The actor began swearing uncontrollably. Gibson repeatedly said, "My life is f****d." Law enforcement sources say the deputy, worried that Gibson might become violent, told the actor that he was supposed to cuff him but would not, as long as Gibson cooperated. As the two stood next to the hood of the patrol car, the deputy asked Gibson to get inside. Deputy Mee then walked over to the passenger door and opened it. The report says Gibson then said, "I'm not going to get in your car," and bolted to his car. The deputy quickly subdued Gibson, cuffed him and put him inside the patrol car.

Once inside the car, a source directly connected with the case says Gibson began banging himself against the seat. The report says Gibson told the deputy, "You mother f****r. I'm going to f*** you." The report also says "Gibson almost continually [sic] threatened me saying he 'owns Malibu' and will spend all of his money to 'get even' with me." The report says Gibson then launched into a barrage of anti-Semitic statements: "F*****g Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Gibson then asked the deputy, "Are you a Jew?" The deputy became alarmed as Gibson's tirade escalated, and called ahead for a sergeant to meet them when they arrived at the station. When they arrived, a sergeant began videotaping Gibson, who noticed the camera and then said, "What the f*** do you think you're doing?"

(ROB NOTE: I think this next piece might be the one the cracked me up the most. Here it comes...) A law enforcement source says Gibson then noticed another female sergeant and yelled, "What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?"

We're told Gibson took two blood alcohol tests, which were videotaped, and continued saying how "f****d" he was and how he was going to "f***" Deputy Mee.

My God, talk about a horrible alcoholic. You'd think that his blood alcohol content level was astronomical, right? Hell no..it was .12, my friends. Point-one-freakin-two. The legal limit in Cali is .08, but that's beside the point. A BAC of .12 isn't anywhere close to explaining the kind of shiznit that Mel pulled off the other night. You can't say that he was SO drunk, he didn't know what he was saying. Nope. There's a lot of Mel's true feelings behind those comments.

I think it's funny. Everyone can break out into stories about how Mel is on the verge of suicide and sees no way out from his alcoholism, etc. Whatever. Screw him. I find this whole thing amusing as all hell. Sue me. I'm thinking that he has been trying to push some other "blockbuster" movie that he's passionate about (like "Passion of the Christ"), and nobody in Hollywood wanted it. And, since Hollywood is pretty much run by the Jews (look it up, people...I don't make these things up), Mel decided that they are the root of all evil. Who knows? From here on out, though, I seriously plan on finding ways to use "sugar tits" in conversation. I may just send an e-mail out to every woman I know...JUST so I can use "sugar tits" as many times as possible.

Wash long and hard, Mel...it isn't going to help any. The "anti-Semitic" label that you've been stamped with seldom washes off. Enjoy, you piece of garbage.

Hello, It's Me...

2006-07-31T23:55:00.000-06:00

"...I've thought about us for a long, long time...Maybe I think too much, but something's wrong..."

Sorry about that. That Todd Rundgren song is playing right now, and I got carried away. Sue me. (haha) I just thought you might like to know that I'll be posting some shiznit here as the evening progresses.

Damn, has it really been almost a week since we last visited with one another? Wow...

By the way, I think that the e-mail bombardment I received from many of you over the past few months has brought about a sick and twisted side effect: I miss it. (Good Lord, did I say that?) Seriously, though...I got so used to having a ton of things to open that it feels like something is missing when the e-mail traffic slows up. Come on now, folks...don't get me laced and then force me to go cold turkey here.

Speaking of e-mails, we'll probably be visiting the ol' "e-mail bag" a little later on this evening. That alone is worth the price of admission here.

Duke Lacrosse

2006-07-26T04:55:00.000-06:00

Recently, the Duke athletic department sent out to a graphic designer the task of creating a new Lacrosse logo. This one, apparently, has been rejected:

Talking 'bout Music...

2006-07-26T04:46:00.000-06:00

Earlier this evening, I asked if anyone had heard the new Lionel Richie song ("I Call It Love"). In that post, I lamented the fact that the art of classic songwriting has practically disappeared. The thought stayed on my mind for a while, but I didn't get depressed. Wanna know why? It's simple...whenever I think about the lack of good writing (and true talent) these days, I think back to a more simple time. A time when people EARNED their spot. A time when people CARED about the craft of making good music. A time when people could become famous for more than just having slick production.

And...when I allow my mind to wander to that time and place, you know exactly who comes to mind first:

Oh oh oh OH oh....hangin' tough!

Hungry?

2006-07-26T04:41:00.000-06:00

I know that we're well into summer, and I know that it's pretty hot in most areas of the country right now...but the fact remains...

Nothing hits the spot quite like a good bowl of soup:

New Song...

2006-07-25T22:24:00.000-06:00

Have any of you heard Lionel Richie's new song? He has a CD coming out in September, and the first single is titled "I Call It Love." Holy crap, that song is catchy!!! It's quite contemporary and "fresh", yet it still retains the kind of masterful songwriting (good story, good melody, a catchy "hook") that is sorely lacking these days. Very, very nice indeed.

If I moved into management at a radio station, and I was the program or music director, this song would immediately go into heavy rotation.

Daddy's Back...

2006-07-25T22:16:00.000-06:00

Greetings, everyone... I am back. Well, I've actually been here since mid-to-late-afternoon on Sunday, but I've just been pretty busy since I got back. You should have known things were okay, though. It's like I always say--if anything happened to the plane/flight, it would be on the news, right? So, if there are no breaking news stories about a plane crash, you can reasonably assume that things went well.

My mom has always hated that reasoning. I know that Kristin absolutely hates any mention of things like that. Oh well...I stand by my words.

I'll be posting some more of my online garbage later this evening when I am free.

Outta This MoFo...

2006-07-21T10:35:00.000-06:00

Alright, folks...I'm one foot out the door, and I won't be back until Sunday night.

Now is the time to see the fruits of my labor. A lot of work has gone into this weekend's festivities. A lot of time, a lot of revisions, a lot of reflecting, a lot of sentiment, etc. Between you and me...I may not believe as strongly in relationships and "love" as I once foolishly did, I couldn't let that get in the way of the happiness of my friends. I know, I know...you're going to try and convince me that relationships are great, etc., but you can really just keep it to yourselves. I'm sure they are great, but my experience leads me to believe that I just don't know how to meet anyone that's actually a good person. (No, Kim, I'm not referring to you! You might be the only one who shouldn't take that one personally, though! Cheers!)

But, I digress...

This weekend will fly by, and soon I will be back home. I promise not to make a complete ass out of myself. I promise not to "bomb." I promise to be loved by all. (Yeah, I can promise that kind of thing. You betcha.)

And, as I walk out the door, I leave you with a fantastic picture...one that fully illustrates why I am glad to not have any little ankle-biters of my own:

Gotta love 'em, right? Ummmm....no.

And, as always, this blog is sponsored by our friends over at Dyke Cigars:

Dyke Cigars. Beef and chicken may have their own wines...but after you've eaten all the seafood you can handle, sit back and relax with a nice, refreshing Dyke cigar.

I Have The Conn...

2006-07-18T21:30:00.000-06:00

If you're not sure what that title means, you either: a) weren't in the military, b) haven't watched any good movies based around warships, etc., or c) ummm....I can't think of anything else right now, so I guess you'll have to be (a) or (b). Sorry...

If you're interested, you can read this: Officer Of The Deck

Anyway, I "have the conn" here at work, so I'll be stationary all night. That means there will be plenty of time for answering e-mails (God, I am SO far behind on that), doing some "research" online, and getting some other things out of the way.

For now, I'll leave you with yet another wonderful ad that I found on Craigslist. Once again, I will be pasting the ad here so that you may see it in all of it's glory:

FIRST PERSON THAT CAN COME TONIGHT GETS FREE TOYS

(ROB NOTE: That title just sounds filthy. I need a shower.)

i have large stuffed animals i have a small pink papsian chair a small step 2 beige chair dolls pursese baskets twin set of orange sheets cannot find the pillow case a twin comfortor with ariel on it first email that can show up tonight gets these toys need gone

(ROB NOTE 2: Looking at that ad, I can tell that the woman has to be at least 65 years old. How? Because she's already forgotten what periods are! No...YOU shut up!)

Toss My Salad

2006-07-18T06:26:00.000-06:00

With all the troubles in the world, I figured it was time for a little comedy. And when I think "comedy," I think it's time to re-visit the "tossed salad man," don't you?

(For the few of you that may have actually never seen or heard this before, it's not quite work safe! hahahaha Keep the volume turned down!)

Even MORE Craigslist...

2006-07-18T06:17:00.000-06:00

It seemed like heresy to browse Craigslist without making a stop through the personal ads. So, I take a quaint little stroll, and what do I find? Pay special attention to the last part of the ad:

"I have a thing for guys who have a thing for my feet...

Do you have a thing for my soft, perfectly manicured feet? Please be attractive and not at all creepy."

Ummm.....I usually don't judge what consenting adults like to do in the privacy of their own bedrooms, or kitchens, or living room floors, or bathrooms, or walk-in closets, or...ummm, where was I? Oh yeah---you want a guy who has a thing for your feet, but yet the guy cannot be "at all creepy", as well??? Young lady, the guy you seek has a fetish, as do you. And, when it comes to guys with foot fetishes, by definition they are ALL creepy.

Feet. Ugh.

In my life, I've done a few things I didn't really want to do, all "in the name of love." It happens. THAT, however, is just revolting. I don't care how soft and "perfectly manicured" your feet are. Ugh.

More Craigslist...

2006-07-18T05:58:00.000-06:00

Someone posted the following: "exterior brown stained door with small pet door. Needs door knob. Outside in front of house for you to take. Will delete posting when the door is gone." Now, why would that add attract my attention? Well, let's first take a look at the attached picture:

Please note that the picture has not been altered in any way. Then again, you'd realize as much when I tell you what the last part of the ad said. It went like this: "The door is obviously upside down in the photo. Thanks!"

REALLY? That door is upside down??? You mean my dog WON'T have to make an Olympic-quality leap for freedom just to go outside and hike a leg? Well, thank goodness for that. I was about to ignore the ad until you added that last part. Thanks!

By the way, if any of you want to see this ad, you can find it in the "classifieds" section of this month's DUH magazine.

Truth In Advertising

2006-07-18T05:49:00.000-06:00

I'm browsing Craigslist (as I am often known to do), looking at furniture, and I come across this gem: "Free loveseat/sofa. Off-white color. Leather/Vinyl. Has minor tears on the left side seating area. Come pick it up and it's yours for free!"

Even with a picture taken from a distance, I can already tell that the "minor tears" aren't quite so minor. Let's take another look, though...from a closer vantage point:

Holy crap. THAT is "minor" to someone??? You've got to be freakin' kidding me. I haven't seen such a "cracked" outer layer since the last time I saw my great-grandmother. (Hi-yoooooo! Good morning everyone, it's 8:15 on a bright and sunny Tuesday morning. Weather and traffic updates coming up. Is this thing on???)

Sad Divorce News

2006-07-18T05:43:00.000-06:00

LOS ANGELES (AP) - "Til Death Do Us Part" - not quite. Actress Carmen Electra and musician Dave Navarro are "amicably separating," Electra's publicist, Brit Reece, said Monday.

(ROB NOTE: You know, it's amazing how an addiction to penis can ruin a marriage. And, no, I'm not referring to Carmen, either.)

(ROB NOTE 2: Come on, look at that picture! Dave likes dong. Sorry to be the one that has to break it to you.)

Talented...

2006-07-17T22:28:00.000-06:00

I don't care if you're much of a drinker or not...THAT, my friends, is talent.

And ladies...I'm quite sure he is single and available at this very moment. Imagine bringing the lovable lush home to the parents. Mom might not take so well to him, but I'm sure that Dad will be impressed.

At least he follows the rules. He's a fat guy who shows off his drinking skills, and I'm sure he truly thinks he is the life of the party (a legend in his own mind), so he HAS to wear the requisite "crappy excuse for an aloha shirt" when he goes out.

I'm thinking he is also on the office softball team. I'm willing to bet my "coin purse" that his jersey has the number 69 on it, along with the name "Hammer" or "Stud Master" (or something similar). Call it a hunch. A very, very, VERY well-educated hunch.

Cover Your Cooter, Ladies...

2006-07-17T05:05:00.000-06:00

I really wish I was creative enough to make something like this up. Like everything else I tell you about, though, it IS a true story.

LONDON (Reuters) - Women going on boozy nights out have been warned by police to "wear nice pants" in case they fall down drunk in the street. A Suffolk police safety campaign magazine shows pictures of young women slumped on the ground next to messages urging them: "If you've got it, don't flaunt it." (ROB NOTE: I didn't realize that there were so many British women going out for a night on the town without panties. Hmmm, easy access to the "front window" in England. I think I know where my next vacation will be!) "If you fall over or pass out, remember your skirt or dress may ride up," the magazine says. "You could show off more than you intended -- for all our sakes, please make sure you're wearing nice pants and that you've recently had a wax."

(ROB NOTE: Love the advice here. It's like they're saying, "look, we'd appreciate it if you'd wear pants but, just in case, we also want you to know that we understand what the true priority is here. Please make sure that you don't go out with a bushy 'belly entrance', okay?")

Police said the Safe! magazine's gossipy, tongue-in-cheek style was designed to alert young women to the dangers they could face if they get drunk during a night out. "We need to raise their awareness of potential problems," said Chief Superintendent David McDonnell. "They become more vulnerable whilst under the influence of alcohol."

(ROB NOTE: Shhhhhh....we weren't supposed to tell them they become vulnerable.)

(ROB NOTE #2: If we don't let them get rip-roaring drunk, then none of them will find me attractive. )

Jackson Voices God

2006-07-17T04:42:00.000-06:00

Movie superstar Samuel L. Jackson will be the voice of God in a new audio version of the Bible. The taped recording of the New Testament will feature many other famous black actors and musicians. Jackson was given the lead role because producers felt his deep, authorative voice was perfect for the role of God. A source tells British newspaper The Daily Telegraph, "Samuel's just finished recording a CD set of the New Testament. The recording is due to be released in September (06), with a box set of the Old Testament to follow next year (07). Scores of other black actors, musicians and athletes will also figure, but Samuel was deemed to be the perfect person to play God."

This one was hard for me to grasp, at first. I mean, when I think of "God", I think of someone who looks like Barry Gibb:

In this case, though, we're talking about a purely audio production. When it comes to the "voice of God", I think more along the lines of James Earl Jones. The more I think about it, though, the more I realize that SLJ is perfect for the role of God. I ask you...who would be better at casting judgment and sending people off to the fiery pits?

To paraphrase the new "God": "Yes, you deserved to die, and I hope you burn in hell..." (You HAD to know that was coming. Even Andrea Bocelli saw that one coming from a mile away...)

Sexy...

2006-07-17T04:34:00.000-06:00

"Roid check...aisle three!"

Home Theater

2006-07-17T04:26:00.000-06:00

I was searching Craigslist and, for once, I'm not bringing you a report on a "great" personal ad. This time, I want to tell you about a great item that has been put up for sale. The following ad is being posted AS IS...so don't bother writing to me about any spelling errors, etc. (haha) I'm just going to remove the contact information...although people with this kind of ingenuity should be commended, actually. Here ya go:

Couch Stadium Seating for Home Theater PRICE REDUCED! - $200

"We spent 3 months designing and building this for the ultimate home theater experience. It turns 1 level into 3 levels with one couch you put in front of it (not included) and the two that sit up top making any college students dream or any room into a real theater. Initially we were going to buy a projector and surround sound but it never happened. First off it can hold (with the third couch) over twelve people very comfortably. It has red velvet curtain with track lighting to illuminate it and give it the movie theater feel. It has been painted black, but can be repainted any color that suits you easily. The surfaces have been carpeted to give it a more professional look and home kind of feel. The couches come with it, but you may replace them or add new ones as you please. They are outfitted with slip covers my friend made to specifically fit the couches. You are welcome to come over and take a look at it. IT is put together in one piece but it can be taken apart. WE WILL NOT DELIVER, it is likely you will need a uhaul or a big truck to pick it up. Give me an email at (ROB EDIT--address removed) if you are interested, SERIOUS INQUIRYS ONLY!!!! I am asking $200 for it or best offer. This unit is absolutely one of a kind and the picture does not do it justice. We are moving so this thing must go QUICK!!!"

(ROB NOTE: Ummmm, you're right partner...that truly is a "one of a kind" item.)

(ROB NOTE 2: Sticky floors and back-row gang initiation golden shower sold separately.)

Here Kitty Kitty...

2006-07-13T05:02:00.000-06:00

From Rob Davis' "My, That's A Lot Of Pussy" files...

Volusia County Lets Woman Keep Her 200 Cats

A Volusia County woman has won the right to care for almost 200 stray and feral cats at her home, despite objections from her neighbors in Pierson. Kristy Grant asked the Volusia County Planning Commission to designate her property an animal shelter, WESH 2 News reported. The commission voted 4-2 in Grant's favor, even though neighbors said the cats are a nuisance.

Grant will now have to make sure the cats stay on her property at all times. (ROB NOTE: Do any of you have cats? Do you know how hard it is to keep ONE cat on your property at all times, let alone 200???) "I know I've got a lot to overcome to fix this now," Grant said. "I know what I've got to do and it's -- I just hope I can do it. I'm going to try."

"I've got cat prints on the hood of my car," neighbor Ray Mackowski said. "They're sleeping on my vehicles at night. They're defecating on my front yard, up and down my driveway." (ROB NOTE: Sir, the cats aren't doing that......Mrs. Grant is.)

Grant has fenced in her property, but animal control said it believes the fence isn't enough to keep the cats from getting out. Grant hopes to install an electric fence but she said she will need help raising the funds. (ROB NOTE: She's short on funds? She could always sell purses or something. I mean, I know where she can get a lot of material! No, YOU shut up!!!)

(ANOTHER ROB NOTE: If she's got 200 cats and she needs money that badly, I'm sure there's an Asian deli that she can go make a deal with. Seriously...YOU shut up!!!)

Are You Kidding Me?

2006-07-13T04:25:00.000-06:00

Apparently, the Jews are not exempt from discriminating against others. You would think that, of all people to engage in discriminating against others, the FREAKIN' JEWS (even the wackos on the fringe) would be above that sort of thing. I mean, you'd think that several THOUSAND years of persecution would make the Jews more amenable to the lifestyles (and anything else) of others. I must be wrong, though, because I recently came across the following story:

ORTHODOX JEWS STEP UP EFFORTS TO STOP GAY PRIDE

JERUSALEM (AFP) - Orthodox Israeli Jews are stepping up their efforts to ban next month's week-long festival for gays in Jerusalem, which they fear will besmirch the sanctity of a city holy to three faiths. Rabbi Ovadia Yossef, spiritual leader of the Orthodox Shas party, a member of Israel's coalition government, has denounced the parade from the pulpit as an "insupportable abomination," a party member said.

Other well-known rabbis have called for a mass demonstration against the rally to prevent it from taking place "at any price." Radicals have even handed out leaflets around the city promising a 20,000-shekel (4,500-dollar) reward anyone who "kills a sodomist."

ROB NOTE: I'm sure that the supposedly well-educated folks over there already know that a person doesn't have to be gay to be a sodomist, right? I mean, even the finest young Jewish females are sodomists when they start giving blowjobs (and God Bless them for doing so). I just thought I would point that little fact out, in case some people were confused.

World Pride 2006, a festival and rally for gay, lesbian, transsexual and transgendered people, is due to take place in Jerusalem August 6-12. The last such event, in Rome six years ago, drew around 500,000 people.

True Athletes

2006-07-13T04:06:00.000-06:00

ESTONIANS REIGN AT WIFE-CARRYING CHAMPIONSHIPS

SONKAJARVI, Finland (Reuters) - Finishing upside down clinging to a man's back may not be the most graceful way of winning gold, but it sure helped Sandra Kullas and Margo Uusorg to the world wife-carrying crown on Saturday. The Estonians were among 40 pairs from eight countries who competed in the annual event in Sonkajarvi, in central Finland.

They raced along a 250-meter track, complete with pools and hurdles, with the men running or walking and carrying the women on their backs. The championship, being held for the 11th time, evokes the legend of robber Rosvo-Ronkainen, who made people trying to join his gang run through a forest carrying heavy sacks. (ROB NOTE: I'm sure the women are glad to know that they are the substitutes for the "heavy sacks" of days gone by.)

Uusorg, 26, finished in 56.9 seconds, a world record, while Kullas, 19, clung to his back upside down with her legs around his neck. They beat Uusorg's bother Madis by 3 seconds.

(ROB NOTE: I'm sitting here looking at the picture...and I find myself feeling quizzical, yet strangely turned on all at the same time. Can't understand why...)

Superwoman???

2006-07-13T04:00:00.000-06:00

Rob React #1: Ummmmmm......

Rob React #2: Well, at least she's got the right letter on her outfit.

Rob React #3: I'm thinking there would have been a different result in the Estonian wife-carrying championships if "F" had been Margo Uusorg's partner. Call it a hunch!

Rob React #4: Breaking news--athletes all over the world are suffering through the worst spandex shortage in history.

Freak Accident???

2006-07-13T03:37:00.000-06:00

Meet Alexander Laing. Alexander, of High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire, used to be a part of Britain's Army. He was very active, he picked up new hobbies, met new people, traveled throughout Europe...the military was very good for him. Well, in 2000, he decided that he wanted to make the Air Corps skiing team. He was sent off to Lillehammer, Norway, to train. Nobody thought much about the trip being harmful...after all, it's not like he was headed to a war zone.

In December of 2000, his family was notified that there had been a serious accident, and that Alexander had sustained a great deal of damage to his frontal lobe. The family was told that there would be a long recovery, but that Alexander would recover fully.

Fast forward a few years...

Alexander has pretty much recovered from the accident, except for one rather interesting "side effect": he became obsessed with sex. No, I don't just mean that he is fascinated by sex like many of you sickos...Alexander is COMPLETELY obsessed with it. The family noticed problems immediately, such as an $1,105 monthly bill for internet pornography. (ROB NOTE: No, that wasn't a typo. Wait a second...knowing some of you the way that I do, maybe Alexander's porno bill isn't really all that exorbitant.)

In the newspaper article, Alexander's mother said, "Sadly, this is unlikely to change. He's been through a great deal of therapy, but he is still quite 'over-sexed'. I'm afraid this freak accident has caused my son to have a permanent obsession with sex."

ROB NOTE: You may not know this about me, but I also had a freak accident that caused me to become obsessed with sex.......quite simply, I was born.

Frumpy

2006-07-09T14:03:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, comedy just writes itself. Discuss...

6-month Heads-Up

2006-07-09T13:46:00.000-06:00

Another thing to be on the lookout for...I'll be moving in January.

I know, I know...that seems like a long ways away, but it will creep up on us in no time. And, since it was on my mind, I figured I would mention it. Where I'm moving, if I'll be living with someone...these are questions that will be answered in due time.

Consider yourself informed! (Well, somewhat! haha)

P.S.--The last episodes of "Chappelle's Show" start tonight. Check 'em out. I've already seen some pieces of the shows, and they are hysterical. It's just such a shame that Dave wigged out for no reason, and felt he had to stop production. Oh well, we all have to look out for ourselves, right?

Onward and upward, bitches......never stagnate!

MySpace, Wedding, and More...

2006-07-09T13:21:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm being pulled into the realm of MySpace. I created a basic profile back in the middle of 2005, and pretty much forgot about the whole thing. This year, I started noticing that people were looking me up through that site. I still wanted to avoid it, really, for two main reasons: 1) Most people's pages look like complete and utter shit, and 2) It just seems like a place to say, "look at how many friends I have." (When, in fact, all they do is collect names, and probably don't know 10% of the people that show as "friends", but I digress...)

So, I went back and made some updates to the page. I notice that they have a blog section for each page, too. Now, while some might suggest that the easy thing would be for me to conduct all of my business in one place, I don't see it that way. For the time being, I will keep my blog situated right here. I like the interface here, and it's a place that people are already used to visiting. My stance on this may change in the future but, for now, this is the way things will remain. If there are any changes, I (of course) will let you know.

I will have a link posted for the site. There's not much there, so don't rush over. Oh...and PLEASE...don't go rushing to add me as a friend, etc. Seriously...I am not looking to make the MySpace page into a public photo album!! (haha) Right now, my goal is not to see how large of a collection I can have online...but, rather, I want to see what kind of eclectic mix of people I can get on there. Right now, I have comedians, musicians, a few old friends and, if I'm lucky, in the near future I'll have a "Gay Robot." (Don't ask.......the country will find out soon enough. Although, if you saw "Grandma's Boy," you'll know exactly of which I speak.)

Onto other business...

Some of you have asked about the wedding. As you remember, we were initially targeting the late part of June or very early in July. The wedding will be the weekend of July 21-23. I've actually known the date for a while, but I kept forgetting to bring it up on here. I guess it's because the date is known already to those of you that already know the future newlyweds (and the oldlyweds! hahahahaha), so it just never came to mind that others might want to know. So, for everyone NOT attending the wedding, I will be "out of the office" from Friday the 21st to Sunday the 23rd.

Not sure if this will come to pass, but I am still trying to work out a trip to California in the middle of September. IF (and that's a big "if" right now) I make it out there, my reasons will be threefold: 1) to catch up with a few friends, 2) check out a school I may be attending, and 3) take in the USC-Nebraska football game at the L.A. Coliseum on Saturday the 16th. If I can't get out there. it's okay. There are probably going to be a few trips before the end of the year. The Cali trip is just one that's really starting to grab my interest big time.

Your thought for today: the reason the mainstream is thought of as a stream is because of its shallowness.

Life is good...enjoy the ride...

Scents

2006-07-06T05:20:00.000-06:00

They make up the strongest form of memory that we have. They remain vivid and fresh in our minds--YEARS after the fact--even when we can't remember what happened to us just last week. People also like certain scents that others might find bizarre. For instance, when I was just a little Rob, I really liked the smell of Silly Putty. I can remember it vividly, and I haven't been around that stuff in YEARS.

Another smell that I liked (maybe because of the joyous memories I have from using this product) was the smell of Play-Doh. I know there are many people out there who have those fresh-from-the-can, full-of-potential childhood memories of Play-Doh. For THOSE people, I have a product that will allow you to carry those fond memories around every single day. Ladies and gentlemen, may I submit for your approval...

Love This Shirt...

2006-07-06T05:18:00.000-06:00

Preach on, brothers...

Fashion???

2006-07-06T05:02:00.000-06:00

I'm a guy. A straight guy. A VERY straight guy. All of you know this fact (a few of you know it even better than others! hahahahaha), but I figured that I would throw the disclaimer out there anyway. Because I am straight, I don't pretend to know much about fashion. Personally, I think "fashion" sucks. With me, it's all about "style".....personal style.

So with my limited knowledge of "fashion", my brain tends to think of "fashion shows" as a way of showing off the latest in fashion. Okay, maybe the clothing being displayed is only available for the rich, and that explains why we don't see these "fashions" in everyday life.

Regardless...

John Galliano recently had a showing of his "haute couture collection" for Christian Dior. (Rob note: God, I feel gay just for having typed that sentence. Someone get me a cock. Now.)

The theme of the fashion show was armor and the Italian renaissance. (Rob note: I'm guessing that the "next big thing" for everyone would be warlike constructions fashioned from bin-liners, silver foil, and mountains of fake hair....surmounted with flags, pennants, and golden trumpets, all inspired by the ancient art of jousting. How lovely.)

I think these shows are a HUGE waste of time. Why would I say that? It's very simple. I think that the fashion show should tell us what we're going to see many people wearing in the future. That being said...will someone please, please, please, PLEASE tell me how often we're going to see THIS sexy number:

Utterly ridiculous.

Pimpin' Ain't Easy, You Know...

2006-07-06T04:39:00.000-06:00

...for real, though.

Then again, if Senator Charles Grassley of Iowa gets his way, pimpin' is about to get a lot more difficult. Why is that? Well, I'll tell you...Senator Grassley wants to start taxing the "pimps and sex traffickers." (Rob Note: Don't these motherhumpers have much more IMPORTANT things to do with their time? You know, like serve the best interests of the country???? Sigh....)

WASHINGTON - Pimps and sex traffickers could soon find themselves being chased by tax collectors, not just the vice squad.

Sen. Charles Grassley, chairman of the tax-writing Senate Finance Committee, wants the Internal Revenue Service to chase after pimps and sex traffickers with the same fervor it stalked gangster Al Capone for tax evasion. Grassley, R-Iowa, would hit pimps with fines and lengthy prison sentences for failing to file employment forms and withhold taxes for the women and girls under their command.

The proposal would make certain tax crimes a felony when the money comes from a criminal activity. A one-year prison sentence and $25,000 fine would become a 10-year sentence and $50,000 fine for each employment form that a pimp or sex trafficker fails to file.

Grassley planned to propose the penalties when his panel meets Wednesday.

"The thugs who run these trafficking rings are exploiting society's poorest girls and women for personal gain," Grassley said. "The IRS goes after drug traffickers. It can go after sex traffickers. Michael Horowitz, a senior fellow at the Hudson Institute, said the change has the potential to put pimps out of business without difficult trials that require women to testify to abuse and mistreatment.

"We need to simply treat the pimps and massage parlor operators the way we would treat anybody who takes the proceeds of a customer transaction from somebody and then gives a fraction of it back," he said.

Under tax law, that relationship makes the pimp an employer, requiring the filing of a wage statement and the withholding of payroll taxes, including Social Security. The IRS work is intended to build on efforts under way to curb worldwide trafficking. The Justice Department, collaborating with U.S. attorneys offices nationwide, would identify pimps and sex traffickers and refer them to the IRS.

Grassley also wants to change the IRS whistleblower program to allow the girls and women to participate. (Rob Note: If anyone knows anything about "whistleblowing", it would be prostitutes. Right??? No...YOU shut up!!!)

New Words

2006-07-05T20:17:00.000-06:00

At some point in the very near future, I'd like to find a way to work the words "lesbo-tainment" and "clamwich" into my conversations. Don't ask why.

And, no, they are not related in any way, you sick freaks.

Sex

2006-07-04T21:03:00.000-06:00

According to Glamour magazine, women feel that the perfect number of sexual lovers to have is three. That's right, they said three.

They say the first one is where you (sort of) learn how to do it. The second one is for experimenting and trying new things. The third one, of course, becomes your lifelong partner.

ROB'S TIP: If you're a guy...try to be number two!!!!!!

More July 4th/Radio

2006-07-04T20:33:00.000-06:00

Greetings and salutations...I'm coming to you from here at work. Yep, some people still have to work on July 4th. Well, I could have taken the night off, but I'm saving my ample vacation time for later in the year. Yep, there's going to be at least one roady...I can feel it!

While everything else is going on here at work, I'm going through one of the many boxes of tapes/CDs of Rob's past radio shows. I'm trying to finish putting together some new tapes to send out. I really should have documented the comedy bits and other things that would be included in my air check samples. If I'd have done that on a weekly basis, it sure would have made this process easier. Oh well, maybe I can come across some bits that most of you haven't heard and I can recycle them. That's right, I said recycle. I can't be a comedy machine 24/7, you know!!! (haha)

Thinking more about the 4th of July, I thought of another reason why America is so damn great. We are the "Innovation Nation." Many years ago, we figured that we should be celebrating the ass-kicking that we handed Nigel, Liam, and the rest of the King's men. We celebrated with fireworks.

We then decided that we should make it a holiday and a national celebration.

We then decided that, since we like to blow things up, we should start using the fireworks for other occasions. Eventually, you saw the fireworks show up at baseball games, Super Bowls, New Year's Eve, and at other events. Was that good enough for us? Hell no, because we're Americans and are seldom satisfied. So what frontier did we conquer next?

We wanted INDOOR fireworks. Why should we only celebrate outside, you know? Now, we have fantastic indoor explosive displays at concerts, football games, basketball games, wrestling shows, and at many other events.

Damn, I love America. We can do anything!

Holiday Tale Of The Tape

2006-07-04T06:32:00.000-06:00

I'm in a celebratory mood. I've got many things to be thankful for, and I never lose sight of that fact. I've got a special friend in my life that seems to always keep me balanced, GREAT friends and acquaintances, a great family, my health, and more. I try to stop and think about these things regularly, because that's what we all should do. On holidays, I'm even more thankful than usual. One thing about holidays, though...people have definite favorites. I'm not a HUGE holiday guy. As far as holidays go, I'm pretty much only "into" July 4th, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and...and...Super Bowl Sunday. To mark today's festive spirit, though, I'm thinking we should play a game of "Holiday Deathmatch." That's right, let's start putting these holidays against each other to see who really reigns supreme.

Ready? Today's combatants are...the 4th of July and Thanksgiving. Here we go...let's take a look at the "tale of the tape", shall we?

HOLIDAY VIBE

Thanksgiving: "Behave yourselves, it's Thanksgiving."

July 4th: "Go ahead...I dare ya!"

Advantage: July 4th

TIME OFF FROM WORK

Thanksgiving: 4-day weekend, guaranteed

July 4th: 3-day weekend* (*=sometimes it's on the weekend, so you get less time)

Advantage: Thanksgiving

HISTORICAL CELEBRATION

Thanksgiving: Broke bread with Tonto, thankful for surviving winter

July 4th: Telling Nigel and his cohorts to go fuck off.

Advantage: Push (and TG, I'm being VERY generous here...)

GAMBLING OPPORTUNITY

Thanksgiving: 2 glorious NFL games. Actually, this year we start having 3

July 4th: 3 team WNBA teaser

Advantage: Thanksgiving

SPORTS-RELATED ACTIVITY

Thanksgiving: 2-hand touch football

July 4th: Drunken whipped cream nipple twisters

Advantage: July 4th

FOODS SERVED

Thanksgiving: Turkey, ham, stuffing, mashed potatoes w/gravy, corn

July 4th: Fried chicken, burgers, hot dogs, BBQ ribs, beans, chips

Advantage: Push

ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION

Thanksgiving: 5 glasses of red wine, followed by a long nap

July 4th: 16 beers, followed by passing out on a dirty blanket.

Advantage: Push (the 4th COULD win on "fun" because you don't know where you'll wake up!)

POST-MEAL ENTERTAINMENT

Thanksgiving: Listening to great Uncle Howard tell stories about LBJ

July 4th: Topless frisbee with three women you just met

Advantage: July 4th

BEST LOOKING WOMAN

Thanksgiving: Cousin Sally...a twice-divorced, 33-year-old accountant

July 4th: Kylie...a 23-year-old paralegal who moonlights as a stripper for "grad school money."

Advantage: July 4th

CHANCES FOR GETTING LAID

Thanksgiving: Virtually none

July 4th: It's like walking into women's prison with a fistful of pardons

Advantage: July 4th

PANTS

Thanksgiving: Dockers

July 4th: Optional

Advantage: July 4th

MAYHEM MOMENT

Thanksgiving: Clearing the room with an onion stuffing-produced "silent but deadly" blast

July 4th: Shooting a roman candle into someone's new convertible

Advantage: Push

BEST THING THAT CAN HAPPEN

Thanksgiving: The Detroit Lions cover a 13-point spread on a $500 bet

July 4th: The car is exactly where you left it the night before

Advantage: Thanksgiving

WORST THING THAT CAN HAPPEN

Thanksgiving: Family doesn't speak to one another because of one ill-timed remark

July 4th: "Dude, she was only 16, and her dad says she's gonna testify."

Advantage: Thanksgiving

And the winner is.............July 4th, with a head-to-head record of 6-4. ("Pushes" do not count.) Thanks for playing, and we'll see you next time on "Holiday Deathmatch."

Happy 4th, everybody!

2006-07-04T00:20:00.001-06:00

I wish everyone a happy and safe July 4th. Let's all remember the meaning of this day and celebrate all the great American heroes who won our independence. Also, don't forget to celebrate the heroes who continue to keep us free every day.

God Bless America...

Penis Pump Trial

2006-07-03T04:57:00.000-06:00

YES!!! When I open up a newspaper (or get online) in a news-gathering quest, THIS is the kind of story I want to see. I know I could have had this one up for you a few days ago, but I've been busy. Oh well...it's still funny!

BRISTOW, Okla. - Serving on the jury in an indecent-exposure trial unfolding in this conservative Oklahoma town has been a giggle-inducing experience.

Former Judge Donald D. Thompson, a veteran of 23 years on the bench, is on trial on charges he used a penis pump on himself in the courtroom while sitting in judgment of others.

Over the past few days, the jurors have watched a defense attorney and a prosecutor pantomime masturbation. A doctor has lectured on the lengths the defendant was willing to go to enhance his sexual performance.

The white-handled sexual device sits before the jury box for hours at a time. Occasionally an attorney picks it up and squeezes the handle, demonstrating the "sh-sh" sound of air rushing through the contraption's plastic tubing.

The jurors sometimes exchange awkward looks and break into nervous laughter when the testimony takes a lurid turn.

Thompson, 59, is charged with four counts of indecent exposure, each punishable by up to 10 years in prison. If convicted, he would also have to register as a sex offender, and his $7,489.91-a-month pension would be in jeopardy.

Thompson's former court reporter, Lisa Foster, wiped away tears as she described tracing an unfamiliar "sh-sh" in the courtroom to her boss. She testified that between 2001 and 2003 she saw Thompson expose himself at least 15 times.

"I was really shocked and I was kind of scared because it was so bizarre," said Foster.

She testified that during a trial in 2002, she heard the pump during the emotional testimony of a murdered toddler's grandfather.

The grandfather "was getting real teary-eyed, and the judge was up there pumping on that pump," she said. "It was sickening."

The allegations came to light after a police officer who was in Thompson's court heard pumping sounds and took photos of the device during a break in the proceedings.

Thompson took the stand in his own defense, saying the device was a gag gift from a longtime friend with whom he had joked about erectile dysfunction. He said he kept the pump under the bench or in his office but didn't use it.

"In 20-20 hindsight, I should have thrown it away," he said.

The R-rated testimony has produced occasional outbursts of laughter and surreal scenes. A man who once served as a juror in Thompson's court testified that he never saw the device, but figured out what it was based on movies he had seen.

The comment sent sidelong glances through the courtroom.

"It sounded like a penis pump to me," Daniel Greenwood testified. He said he had seen such devices in "Austin Powers" and "Dead Man on Campus."

Dr. S. Edward Dakil, a urologist called as an expert witness, repeatedly prompted laughter from the jury when discussion turned to the penis pump. Dakil defended use of the device after defense attorney Clark Brewster said it was an out-of-date treatment for erectile dysfunction.

"I still use those," Dakil testified.

Brewster paused.

"Not you, personally?" he asked.

"No," Dakil responded as jurors laughed. "I recommend those as a urologist."

Smackdown

2006-07-03T04:35:00.000-06:00

It's a pretty sad commentary that when a basketball player chokes his coach – and briefly, at that – it generates one of the greatest sports talk storms in history. Yet when Brett Meyers actually hauls off and smacks his wife in the face in front of a hotel while grabbing her by the hair, it’s a virtual non-story.

Hell, the Phillies even had the idiocy to send the guy out to start a game THAT NIGHT! (He got lit up, thankfully. Justice on a karmic level.)

It was hardly a case of “he-said she-said," even though people keep trying to liberally add the word "allegedly" throughout this story. The smackdown was so shocking, that several BYSTANDERS actually called 9-1-1 to report the incident.

Drunk driving, wife beating, drug use. Yawn.

But the minute some player/manager/coach calls a reporter a "faggot,” it’s the lead on every newscast nationwide.

The scale of outrage in sports, and sports media today, sometimes boggles my mind.

July 3rd

2006-07-03T04:03:00.000-06:00

Holy crap...several days passed without a post again??? I really keep losing track of time, don't I? I'm a busy boy...

July 4th is rapidly approaching, and my mind drifts to fireworks. Here in the western part of the U.S., it seems like 90% of the cities and counties have banned fireworks due to the dry conditions. The amusing thing is that fireworks are still launched regardless. I wonder who gets busted for illegal fireworks. I mean, really...you've got to be a real piece of Samsonite to get busted because of fireworks. No matter where I have lived, it seemed like the fireworks were even worse during the years they were "banned" from use. There have been several years where I had neighbors who were launching "shells", as well as what seemed like professional fireworks.

Hell, in Hawaii people will shoot them back and forth over the goddamn interstate. No, I am not kidding. If you're driving during the early evening hours (just after darkness falls), it's like driving through a war zone. Here in Colorado, you have "arrangements" that are absolutely inane. Here in Jefferson County, they have fireworks being sold out of those makeshift tents that you normally see at state fairs...but if you want to buy the fireworks, you cannot LIVE in JeffCo. Yep...people drive here and buy their fireworks, and then drive back to their county to go have fun. This county (and most other places) have NOTHING, though, on the Mecca of fireworks...and if you have done any traveling in the southeast, you know exactly what I am talking about.

Dillon, South Carolina, is home to a fantastic place called "South of the Border." If you've driven on the great north-south I-95, you've seen the billboards starting 200 miles out in either direction. When you finally arrive at the border between North and South Carolina, you are greeted by the mascot, Pedro...

Pedro stands over 97 feet tall, and you can drive between his legs. Amazing.

Anyway, as the billboards tell you, this place is fireworks heaven. Shit, they practically dare you to buy them and start setting the friggin' things off right outside the stores! The way this place pushes their fireworks, you'd swear the state flag of South Cackalacky is nothing but fireworks and a "thumbs up" sign.

If fireworks aren't your thing, the Tijuana of South Carolina has other things for you. There's the "Dirty Old Man" shop. No, this isn't some kind of naughty boutique with women's breast salt and pepper shakers, as well as toy monks that pee on you when you push their heads. No sir...this shop is an adults-only style outlet, complete with books, videos, and various latex "marital aids" for your enjoyment. As far as I know, there is NO donkey show. Then again, I haven't been back there since I was a much younger Robdaddy. Road trip, perhaps???

I was going to make a cockfighting reference, but I just couldn't do it. Right now, "cockfight" makes me think of the Rosie O'Donnell--Star Jones tiff that has torn "The View" apart, and I just want to keep that image out of my head. Yikes.

Nothing Soft Here

2006-06-27T06:01:00.000-06:00

Your boy Rob has been pretty busy lately. Whether it's the writing bug, the musical exploration, new hobbies, last minute wedding plan tinkering or God knows what else, it's causing me to forget blog posts I wanted to get up. And it's not just a coincidence that I use the phrase "get up", either. Here's why:

PROVIDENCE, R.I. -- A former handyman has won more than $400,000 in a lawsuit over a penile implant that gave him a 10-year erection.

Charles "Chick" Lennon, 68, received the steel and plastic implant in 1996, about two years before Viagra went on the market. The Dura-II is designed to allow impotent men to position the penis upward for sex, then lower it.

I'm not making this up, either. Want to see the story? Here you go:

Doing Hard Time...